Monday, September 26, 2011

1st Anniversary Celebration--Part I: The Invitation

I wanted to surprise Deborah, so after planning...

and planning...

changing plans...

and planning some more, I created the following brochure. Keep in mind that Deborah does not know the destination. She only knows that we will be flying about 2 hours.

This was the cover with a West Coast kind of romantic beach-front misdirection hint. 

Page 1 with more misdirection, but introducing the theme--"Special, Surprising, and Even Stupendous."

Page 2 with more West Coast misdirection, but suggesting that "Where the water is warm would be Special." 

Page 3 with different types of food and running into celebrities would also be "Surprising." 

Page 4 starts making it "Stupendous" by suggesting a show with semi-nude dancers--NOW I got her attention.

Page 5 continues the misdirection and making it "Stupendous" by including a "Bachelorette" Phantom tease.

Page 6 continues the misdirection, but tells Deborah that we will be going out with "classy" types, so we needed new clothes to fit in.

Finally, Page 7 simply listed a general itinerary and suggested packing list.

From the brochure, Deborah was supposed to have an idea of our "Special, Surprising, and Even Stupendous," 1st Anniversary Celebration, but unless she could unravel the clues, she still wouldn't know where we were going.

Two days later, I decided it was unfair to not tell her our detailed plans, so I updated the brochure as follows.

 This was the cover with a West Coast kind of romantic beach-front misdirection hint, but "Updated."

Page 1 was my one and only subtle reminder that, "we have to go now," during the entire trip.

Page 2 was to let Deborah know that we would not be getting a rental car. My Ferrari rental car blog post exaggerated the rental, but not everything else.

Page 3 was to let Deborah know that we would be staying in a suite at the Venetian. More importantly, she had a bedroom to herself with doors so that my obnoxious seismiscity-inducing snoring would not keep her awake.

Page 4 was to let Deborah know that the Phantom would be the "Phantom of the Opera" at the Venetian.

Page 5 informed Deborah that no 1st Anniversary Celebration would not be complete without some erotica...
so we would be attending Cirque du Soleil's "Zumanity."

Page 6 let Deborah know that relaxation was designed into the Celebration with no go-go-go pressure.

Finally, all good things must end, so Page 7 contained our return reservations.

So that was the introduction I prepared for Deborah to our 1st Anniversary Celebration. Of course, it was still up to me to make all this stuff happen once the departure date approached, but I was reasonably certain that I had covered all the details.

In the next part, I'll begin describing some of the details. To Be Continued -- Part II: The Phantom Yo Eleven.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It's ON

For at least 4 years, I have had a goal to run a marathon at 50 years old. On May 14, 2010, I reached the half century mark. To test my ability and fortitude, I completed the Estes Park half marathon this past June. Finishing at Estes Park convinced me that I can complete a marathon again. So...

I registered for the Colorado Marathon to be run on May 6, 2012, which means that I'll still be 50 years old and can complete my goal just shy of my 51st birthday. One thing I know is that it's easy to register for races, but much harder to train smart and injury free in preparation for the race. Not to mention how hard it is to finish the race itself.

In 2007, I ran my 1st marathon--The Steamboat Marathon--ugh. Compare a picture from the 2007 Steamboat Marathon with a 2011 Estes Park half marathon picture. Notice anything different?

No, not the facial hair. It's the extra 30 lbs of Blue Bell--amongst other foodstuffs--that I'm carrying. That has to go. I can't run another marathon at 260 lbs.

I also still have this crazy dream that I can break 4 hours in a marathon--my PR is 4:16:23--but the only way to break 4 hours is to be as light as possible and healthy. That means carefully watching my diet over the next 8 months while cautiously increasing mileage. I'm thinking I might need a coach this time to help me get it right, and I'm open to coaching recommendations.

Finally, there's another reason for minimizing me. Deborah and I have a very short window of time where we both will be 50 years old, and we have committed ourselves to a fine art nude-at-50 photo shoot. My goals are, first and foremost, to be handsome and toned for Deborah, and second, to not test the slimming limits of Photoshop.

photo by se.nsuo.usvia PhotoRee

I've been a fan of nude art for quite some time, and in the back of my mind, I've wanted the chance to "model" for something artistic. It never would have been possible without Deborah. Deborah is not just accommodating me, but is truly enthusiastic about the photo shoot. It is yet another reason why I love her.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Problem With The Rental Car

As part of our anniversary celebration, Deborah and I flew to Las Vegas to see "Phantom" and "Zumanity". Instead of a limo, we arranged for a rental car, and upon arrival we we received a complimentary upgrade from a Kia to a Ferrari. Go figure.

It was all fine and good except that I didn't fit in the Ferrari and every time Deborah got in, her boobs would fall out. It was the damnedest thing.

Anyway, after exposing more of Deborah than "The Crazy Girls" to Asian tourists and some fat guy wearing a Cornhusker shirt, we left the Ferrari in front of Wynn's for other people to gawk at and told the car rental place to come get it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A B Day

Anniversary and Birth Day - A B Day

Mr. David P and Mrs. Deborah A Craig are celebrating their first anniversary this weekend. They will be competing at a powerlifting competition and running a marathon eating amazing food, sleeping late, and trying some naked stuff that kids can't imagine their parents doing.

Silly kids.

Justin and Jarrod had their 9th birthday. Yea! Justin got to drive go-carts at Unser Racing,...

Justin also got to wreck go-carts at Unser Racing...

He's obviously learned "the wall came out of nowhere" expression. I think he's flipping off the "dumb" barricades. Jarrod isn't as big a racing fan, so he ate chocolate.

Lots of stuff happening, but I'll leave it until the anniversary celebration is over.

In other words, I'm saving all my wit and energy for Deborah.

Silly silly kids. 

Friday, September 2, 2011


How competitive is Deborah?

Last night we were reading my report from my colonoscopy, and the reported concluded with "...The quality of the bowel preparation was excellent." In other words I got an A+ on my test. Deborah's report said something to the effect of "...The quality of the bowel preparation was moderate," which I think means she got a B on her test.

If I told her once, I've told her a thousand times that eating all those healthy fruits and vegetables was going to bite her some day. In this case, all that healthy fiber was clinging to her colon, and it didn't get flushed out.

On the other hand, with my steady diet of Taco Bell bean burritos and 7-11 hot dogs, my ol colon cleaned right up.

Deborah demanded a rematch, so in 10 years we're having another Bowel Preparation Flush Off to see who can cleanse their colon the best. Meanwhile, I get to bask in the glory of my "win" for a decade.

On another note...

The report also stated, "...The patient tolerated the procedure well."

Is that some kind of jab, like are they saying I liked it? I would have rather the doctor wrote, "The patient, while sedated, was visibly upset and fought bravely with staff as the 5 foot long endoscope was shoved up his ass."

Thursday, September 1, 2011

His & Hers

Our 1st wedding anniversary is rapidly approaching, and the celebrating has already begun. As I've noted before, I'm 50 and Deborah is a very young XX (a number less than 50), so based on our doctor's recommendations, we scheduled his and hers colonoscopies. Now there's love.

Deborah went first about a month ago, and I helped her through it as best as I could. I went for my colonoscopy yesterday. Now for those that don't know, a colonoscopy uses an endoscope to go into the colon and look for polyps or tumors or something other than healthy tissue. In order to do that, the colon must be clear of...well...whatever normally occupies the colon. Think about it.

To cleanse the digestive system, the patient goes on a liquid diet for 24 hours or so, and the doctor prescribes a little more than a gallon of laxative. Deborah's a petite girl, and when she comes out of the bathroom exclaiming, "I can't believe that came out of me," I immediately started to worry. Because I'm anything but petite, and what's in me could be as big as Deborah--not what's in her, but equal to the size of her.

So anyway, Deborah makes it through the most invasive of procedures, and it's now my turn. So I get my prescription and go to the pharmacy. I know our pharmacist because her daughter goes to school with Lexie. You know, pharmacists know it all. Even more so than doctors. "Hello, Mr. Craig, how's the high blood pressure, congestion, acid reflux, depression, chronic pain, herpes simplex 1, erectile dysfunction, and oh, I see that now you need to flush your colon. Colonoscopy?" Nothing is truly private.

Deborah had told me that I would need to spend several hours in the bathroom, so while I was picking up the gallon of laxative, I decided to pick up a package of toilet paper. Deborah knows that I will buy anything and not blink an eye. You need tampons, I'm you're guy. Feminine hygiene, family planning, or sex toys, I'll stand in a long line at Wal-Mart and ask people's opinion of what I'm buying. It's no big deal.

But I'm standing at the pharmacy debating on whether to buy toilet paper with my prescription for CoLyte at the same time from a pharmacist that I know. Eventually, I decided what the hell, and I went to the counter with a package of Charmin Ultra Soft. After ringing up the CoLyte and the Charmin Ultra Soft, the last thing she said to me was, "Don't worry. You won't use all this toilet paper." I know it is hard, but couldn't the pharmacist have pretended that she didn't know what CoLyte was for. Anyway, I looked down at the floor, paid the pharmacist, and tried to walk out of the pharmacy like there was nothing in my colon and this CoLyte stuff was really a big misunderstanding.

After cleansing, and as I'm waiting in the endoscopy room, I'm looking around at the instruments. The nurse had laid out everything for the doctor and I saw about 1/2 a tube of "personal lubricant" squeezed out onto a piece of gauze. Ugh. Okay. Then I looked at the endoscope. The scope had lines marked on it that I concluded represented 10 cm segments, which is about 4 inches. So then I started counting the number of segments, 1, 2, 3, 4, ... holy sh*t...there's like 15 segments. I'm calculating in my head as I'm lying there with IV fluids running, oxygen flowing, and waiting for the sedation to hit. That's like 5 feet of endoscope and a 1/2 pound of lubricant all for me.

During one of my inquisitive moments, I saw a guy on the Internet impale himself with a 3 foot dildo. At the time, I thought no way. No. Way. Now I'm lying on a table looking at 5 feet of endoscope about to go in me. And my only thought was I hope they aren't videoing this. DrBubba's butt may have been on the Internet, but DrBubba's butt with 5 feet of snake inserted doesn't belong on this blog, YouTube, or America's Funniest Videos.

About that time, the nurse asked if I could feel the sedative working, and I said, "yeaazzzzzz...." When I woke up, it was over, and they said I passed.

What makes a doctor specialize in colonoscopy or endoscopy? Do you think they become immune to looking at people's butts. Cause if I had my choice, I would have loved to be the doctor probing Deborah versus the poor dude that had to look at my big ass. I wonder if they go home and tell the wife, "I did three 3's today, a 5, and one 9-1/2. Whoa!"

His and her colonoscopies? Maybe not the 1st wedding anniversary gift on everybody's list, but if it means decades of more wedding anniversaries with Deborah, it was worth every embarrassing second, that is, as long as it's not on YouTube.