Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Running (Slowly) Towards Aging

So I'm shopping for Christmas gifts, and I see Justin Bieber's Christmas CD. Miranda <3 Justin Bieber.

"Under the Mistletoe." Hmm. The picture kind of looks like he got caught doing something under the mistletoe. Anyway, I began to wonder how many photos they took to get the "Under the Mistletoe" cover look that Justin Bieber and Miranda wanted.

Which brings me back to me. I went racing last weekend, and ran Colorado Runner's Rudolph's Revenge 10k in a slow 1:02:48. It was actually 6.28 miles, so my watch had me averaging 9:59/mile. Finally, after years of trying, I got back to the 9 minute miles. Barely.

I was all happy and stuff, but yesterday, I say the picture from the race. That's what I look like? OMG, it's scary. I bet Justin Bieber, like any other girl, would never post a picture that, let's say, makes them look normal, bad, or in my case, old and scary.

But, here is DrBubba running his latest 10k in Littleton, Colorado on Saturday, December 17, 2011.

I'm huge.

And I'm old.

Look at that loose skin under my chin. I look like my dad except that he never had a beard. What's really bad is that I look like this after losing 20 lbs since October. No wonder Deborah (wife) wanted me to stop groping her. Ewww.

The weight I can continue to do something about, but the hound-dog skin around my face looks permanent. From here on out, I'm gonna have to start photoshopping my photos. I definitely don't want my wife to see me like this.


Next month on January, 21, 2012, I'll be running Colorado Runner's Frosty Frozen 10 mile race as part of my preparation for the Colorado Marathon in May. Let's hope I look smaller and more handsome in January. Either that or I'm getting my personal photographer to run along backwards in front of me and shoot 100 photos/mile. Out of 1000 pics, there has to one that makes me look Biesirable.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Daddy/Daughter Bonding

Although periodically I'm reminded that she's really my stepdaughter, I consider Lexie to be my daughter, and I treat her exactly the same as Justin and Jarrod. This morning Lexie was finishing her breakfast, and I held out my arms out for a big hug. Lexie looked at me with that "oh, no" look and said, "What?!"

I told her, "Lexie, I wanted to give you a hug and a kiss."

With that she turned to me, closed her eyes, held her head back, and opened up her arms, which granted me her consent to proceed with the kissing thing. I picked her up, gave her a big smooch on the forehead, and set her back down.

As she turned to walk back to her Lucky Charms, Lexie concluded, "I think moms give better kisses than dads."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Laughing Tube

That's Deborah's mom and dad, Nancy and Ken Griswold, when they visited our house for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. This year, Nancy was called away to see a very sick friend in Massachusetts that was Deborah's godmother. After traveling to Massachusetts and spending a few days, Nancy began to feel sick. After another day, Nancy was in the hospital in Greenfield with a breathing tube and double pneumonia. She was very sick.

Fortunately, the antibiotics began to work, and although she remained in intensive care, she began improving. When we could finally call, we learned that Nancy could not speak--she could write on a pad and Deborah's sister, Donna, would read the notes back to us. Donna had told us that Nancy was able to get up and walk a little earlier in the day, and as the phone call began, I thought what Nancy needed was a little laughter to make her feel better.

Nancy, "mom," is a free spirit like her daughter Deborah. After our wedding ceremony last year, the DJ was spinning records, and Nancy wanted to dance with me. During a particularly slow song, when I was trying to keep my dancing space at a respectable distance, Nancy pulled me tight and grabbed both cheeks of my ass, as in, I got seriously felt-up. By my mother-in-law. We still laugh about mom checking Deborah's merchandise.

Anyway, I knew Nancy could appreciate my humor. So Deborah talked to her mom for a few minutes, and her mom responded by writing a couple of notes, which Donna read to Deborah. When Deborah handed me the phone I said, "Nancy it's great to hear that you're doing better, and we sure do miss you. I heard that you were able to get up and walk around a little today. Was that gown you're wearing open in the back?"

Nancy almost choked on the breathing tube trying to laugh. Apparently, it's not easy to laugh after a tracheotomy and breathing tube are inserted with double pneumonia. After a second, Nancy wrote, "yes, my ass was hanging out," which Donna read over the phone. I wish I'd seen that.

Nancy is slowly recovering now and was finally discharged from the hospital after a 10 day stay. They had a very low key Thanksgiving in Massachusetts, but we all were very thankful that Nancy is on the mend and never lost her sense of humor.

Nancy, if you're reading, I want you to know that Deborah's got me looking for Salsa dancing lessons to work on my Latin dance moves. Don't be surprised when I see you next if we do a little dirty dancing.

On the other hand, I've already seen you do some of those moves after a couple glasses of Cabernet. Or was it with Chuck E Cheese?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Turkey Day With A Trot

My coach said he needed a hard 5k time, and I decided that I wanted to break 30 minutes in the 5k. But, my coach also said I could run a 28 minute 5k. Well coach, I ran hard, and I achieved my goal, that is, I ran the Anthem Turkey Day 5k in 29:44. Yea! It wasn't as fast as he wanted, but achieving my goal was a win for my Colorado Marathon training program.

I finished 13 out of 30 in the 50-59 age group, which for me is pretty good; however, I was outrun by a 7-, 8-, and three 10 year old boys; four men over 60, and a 70 year old man. Clearly, I still have a lot of work to do.

My wife, best supporter, and Turkey Day boob flasher, Deborah, was with me at the trot taking pictures. She was up on a small atoll with a view of the start and finish. At the start, I was waving to her so she could pick me out of the crowd of 9 minute milers, but something in the grass caught Deborah's attention and she was looking down. So, no start pictures, which is really a good thing because I didn't have to suck in my gut at the start and finish.

As I made the final turn, Deborah was on me and started snapping pictures. Normally, finishing a race would have earned a boob flash, but Deborah was dressed in about 16 layers, and it was impossible to unleash the perky girls in such a short period of time. Not to mention we didn't want to get arrested before preparing the feast for the kids.

We talked about it afterwards and decided for future winter races, we should create undergarments with boob cut-outs...like so
Deborah will simply have to open her outerwear to flash me the victory sign. I know this may sound juvenile, but really guys, are you motivated by a finishers medal or perfect breasts. I got medals, and they're nice, but I'll never see enough of my wife's boobs. On my deathbed, with my last gasp of air, I hope I ask Deborah if I can see her boobs just one more time. But I digress...

After the trot, we had a wonderful pre-prepared turkey dinner that I purchased. It's not that I'm too lazy to cook, it's just that our oven electronics burnt up for the second time. It cost $1500 to fix it the first time, and I'm not paying for a third set of electronics with a design flaw. We've managed to get by without the oven by using the heck out of our microwave, which is Whirlpool's equivalent of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven. Anyway, without an oven and since it takes 6 years to cook a turkey in the Whirlpool Easy Bake Oven, we purchased our dinner this year.

By the end of the day, Deborah and I had attended and run a 5k race. We applauded a 5 year old girl that finished the 5k in about 36 minutes, and we applauded an 81 year old woman that finished in 39 minutes. We bought about 300 meals for Americans going hungry, and we thanked God for our family and the life we've earned. Thursday, 24 NOV 2011, was truly a happy thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Balls and Turkey Trot


It's the new 'word' around the house.

"Did you see the balls on that table?"

"That sucks balls."

"And his ball-handling skills are excellent."

'Balls' started with our 15 year old sophomore, Miranda, and now she and Deborah giggle nonstop about 'ball' this or 'ball' that. It's hard not to chuckle because they are laughing.

Deborah recently told me that she wanted a medicine ball to help with her ab workouts. I said that we would go to Dick's Sporting Goods to get one, and, of course, she replied, "I would like to feel Dick's balls before I buy them."

After buying them, I told her she would have to carry the "ball-sack."

When we got home, Deborah asked Miranda, "Would you like to see Dick's balls?"


It's Turkey Trot time again. As noted last year, I've completed personal turkey trots each of the last 5 years, so this year marks my 6th year trotting before putting on the feed bag.

However, this year is different. My coach wants a competitive timed 5k trot, so I registered for the Anthem Turkey Day 5k - 10k. I said I wanted to break 30 minutes, and he said I could run 28 minutes. I told him I don't know how to run a 5k. He said warm up a little and start running.

I'm more nervous about the 5k than I was for the Estes Park 1/2 this past summer. So nervous that I was just going to sneak out Thanksgiving morning and run a race before anyone knew I was gone. Deborah said, "No way. I want to see you run. It's been a long time since I've seen you run a race."

So, I relented, and Deborah is going with me.

"Besides," Deborah added, "I'd rather watch you run than watch the boys play with their balls while you are out having fun."

Miranda chimed in, "Now that it's getting colder, the boys have squishy balls? Can you make their balls harder?"

And Lexie concluded, "Sure. DB can fix balls. He can fix anything."

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mom's A BADASS, Mom's Little Girl, and An IMPORTANT Message

Yesterday, I did my normal Tuesday base run, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. After the run, I went over to sit with Deborah while she deadlifted. When I get over to the deadlift platform, she has 185 lbs on the bar, which she easily deadlifts twice. So she says, "I've been feeling really strong. I should try to do 200 lbs. So that's 5 lbs and 2-1/2 lbs plates added to each side, right?"

I agreed, and we bumped the bar up to 200 lbs. After telling me not to look at her--she's afraid I'll make her laugh or pee or something--she moves me to a viewing spot out of the way. Deborah then wraps her lifting-straps around the bar and smoothly dead-lifts 200 lbs.

Holy Shizzzz!

How many other petite less-than-50-but-close year olds can dead-lift 200 lbs. Not very damn many is the answer.

If they're in the gym at all, they're thinking of 10, 2, and 4 chocolate bon-bons while gliding on an elliptical for 6 minutes before walking around the gym twice to look at the other weird machines and free weights, which they avoid like the plague because in the words of Fred Stoller (I think), "I tried lifting weights, but they're sooo heavy."

It's no wonder all the gym rats stare at Deborah while she's working out. It's rare to see girls lifting,  rarer still to see girls lifting well, and rarest of all to see a built beautiful babe lifting more than the duds...er...dudes.

It's either that or her perky nipples.

Lexie is in 1st grade.

She reads like at least a 3rd grader.

Deborah is studying for the GRE so that she can enter a Masters degree program.

So...last night, Lexie picks up Deborah's review words and starts reading them,





Deborah and I were looking at each other like WTF?
She's in 1st grade.

After more words, Lexie says, "I could quit school and take the test for you mommy."


The masses at Penn State protested to save Joe Paterno. A single family protested at Penn State to save victims. Think about it.

Friday, November 4, 2011


So I went to Dick's Sporting Goods the other day and saw this...

My first thought was I want one, but then the sales guy saw me taking a picture and said that they were taking inventory. I looked up and said, "Ok, two boobs and no head. Just thought I'd help."


Deborah came into my office after a very trying week with the men in her life and said, "boys must be stupid(!) until..." At this point she looked me in the eyes, realized what she was saying, and added, "...well...until...I don't know when."

I got the feeling by the gist of the conversation that she included all males at least 50 and under.


Did I mention I'm running the Colorado Marathon next spring? I'll be 50.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Long Run for an Ultramarathoner

I asked my coach what he considers a long run for an ultramarathoner. He said that as he prepares for a 100 miler, he will always get in at least a couple 50 mile runs. And he added his workouts during the week are about the same as a marathoner, but on weekends, he'll run two long runs. The long runs are in terms of hours instead of miles, for example, 5 hours on Saturday followed by 3 or 4 hours on Sunday would be considered 2 long runs.

Makes my feet hurt thinking about it.

My bucket-with-holes-in-the-bottom list held the following.
1. Jumping from an airplane.
2. Climbing an 8000 m peak. (I'd still like to trek to base camp.)
3. Completing an ultramarathon.

Fortunately, those 3 have leaked out of the bucket and I don't have to consider doing them. My other bucket list remains quite full, including a sub 4:00:00 marathon on May 6, 2012.

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Coach Wins Boulder 12 Hour Run

My coach, David Clark, was the first male finisher in the Boulder 12-hour run yesterday. Officially, he ran 64.26 miles in 12 hours, but he made another loop that finished 2 minutes beyond the 12 hour limit, that is, he ran 71.4 miles in 12 hours and 2 minutes. Sheeeeeitttt! I'm impressed.

He told me today that he hadn't done a l-o-n-g run since the Leadville 100, so he felt really strong.

(What's a long run to an ultramarathoner? I need to ask that on Wednesday)

And as if nothing happened, he showed up for workout today and put me through my fat-ass paces. I only thought I was embarrassed by running a slow 5.05 miles over the weekend. Today, I was really embarrassed that I can even think tired after my coach did that yesterday and just seems his normal self today.

He did say his core was a little tight. His core is tight? Yeah, right. They'd still be scrapping my dead big-ass core off the 7.14 mile loop today if I tried that.

It's good to know my coach can run-the-run and not just talk-the-talk.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Walk. Run. Stumble. Repeat

I'm back here. God dammit!


I hired a coach to help me prepare for the Colorado Marathon. His name is David Clark, and I think he would consider himself an ultramarathoner. I just finished my first week following David's plan, which included a strength and core workout and interval training.

INTERVAL training.


The two have never mixed before this week, but I did it. I've been working out for years, including running, stair climbing, and weight training, but I was so sore after David's strength and core workout that it reminded of two-a-days when I played football. I could barely walk down the stairs at home much less run.

On Friday, I completed my Metabolic testing, so now I know my training zones. Apparently, I have trained my body to not burn fat, which is a very bad thing for a big Clydesdale-sized runner. I think David is going to retrain my body to be an efficient fat-burning machine. Meanwhile, I had to complete a Zone 2, 5 mile, long-slow-distance run yesterday. There was nothing "long" about a 5 mile run, but slow, yeah, it was s-l-o-w distance. OMG, it was so embarrassing. Over an hour to go 5.05 miles while not letting my heart rate increase above 130 bpm. This training plan better damn sure work cause I'm going to follow it to the letter. Even if people do laugh. Grrr.


Nothing funny happened this week. There were some laughs, but easily negated by other issues. God, I want things to change.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Wiener Juice

Deborah is doing laundry yesterday, and throws a pair of my clean underwear at Lexie, but tells Lexie that they're dirty. Lexie is running away doing the usual "ew yuk" stuff when Deborah asks whats wrong with dirty underwear?

Lexie says, "They're full of wiener juice."

WTF?! She's only seven. Where the hell did she hear that?

Ends up she put "wiener" and "juice" together herself. Smart girl.

And damn funny.

1st Anniversary Celebration: Part III - Aw Hail No And Finale

After such a wonderful Saturday evening and sleeping in, Deborah suggested that we head down to the pool on Sunday afternoon. Deborah and I had stayed together at the Venetian in 2007 while I was in town to run the St. George Marathon, and on Sunday morning after the marathon, we went out to enjoy the Venetian pools without any other people around. We had a gigantic jacuzzi all to ourselves before Deborah headed in to get a massage. I think we both wanted to repeat that experience.

It was a beautiful day, that is, not too hot, and many people were enjoying the Venetian pools. Deborah and I walked over to the same jacuzzi we had relaxed in during our 2007 trip, and amazingly, there wasn't a soul in or around the pool. So, we make ourselves comfortable and jump in. Within 5 minutes, people start arriving from every direction, and our little pool starts to get crowded...then we heard thunder.

I'm thinking Las Vegas is in a desert, right? So at most we might get a few sprinkles followed by wonderful sunshine. It starts with sprinkles. Then, a little thunder, and heavier rain. At this point, all the girls with their boobs hanging out of their bikini tops began to worry about their hair. The lightening and the real possibility of being electrocuted in a pool didn't seem to bother anyone as much as the thought of their hair getting messed up. BUT, nobody moved to get out of the pool, including us.

A little heavier rain, and then the hail started--pea-sized, or maybe a little bigger.

Still, nobody moved. It was all so ridiculous. No one was willing to give up their place in the pool, so we all waited out a hailstorm. After a few minutes of hail and a little more rain, it all stopped. As expected, the sun came out and it was a beautiful day again.

So we're all still sitting in the pool, and a Venetian employee comes out and tells us that we have to get out of the pool. The Venetian decided that in order to protect our safety they needed to close the pool after the storm had passed. Needless to say, our pool experience in 2011 wasn't quite the same as 2007. Everything we took outside with us was soaked, but we gathered it up and went back to the room. Ah, memories.

After attending Zumanity that evening, we retired to our suite for another fine meal and a movie. It was so good, I can't even remember the name of the movie.

On Monday morning, we were up and packed to return to Denver. Before leaving, we decided to go to the Venetian shops to get gifts for the kids. As we're walking through the shops, Deborah notices a statue in the middle of the walkway. I had walked past the same statue at least a 1/2 dozen times, and every time, people are laying money on the pedestal. I'm thinking...Italian...Catholicism...people must be donating to the church. Then one time when I was walking by, I noticed that the statue moved. Holy shit, it's a dude. So, I tell Deborah that it's a guy and not a statue, and she has to go back for another look.

Like everyone else, we had to leave some cash for the statue too. Way cool.

So that was it. Our 1st Anniversary Celebration came to a close, and we both realized that it was the best weekend of our lives. Seriously.

By the time we hit the ground in Denver, we were getting reports about the kids, schedules that had to be maintained, doctor's appointments, punishments, money, stress, ...

Deborah looked at me and said, "Can we go back?"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


So yesterday my 20 year old stepson and I were picking up Deborah's car. He gets out and says, "Man, I love satellite radio."

I replied, "Yeah, me too. Originally, I didn't think I'd like it, but now I want it in all our cars."

Then he noted, "Man it's probably perfect for you since they have all that OLD music you like."

Maynard are you reading this? I need something new.

1st Anniversary Celebration: Part II - Phantom Yo Eleven

Our anniversary celebration was never about gambling. We simply wanted time away together without kids where we could enjoy each others company while taking in shows and eating good food.

As noted in 1st Anniversary Celebration: Part I - The Invitation, our only tight scheduling was the airplane departures. Deborah did a fantastic job and was actually ready to leave for the airport before I was, and our flight to Las Vegas went off without a hitch. When we arrived in Las Vegas, our driver was waiting for us, and after retrieving bags we were off to the Venetian.

After traveling, Deborah needs some time to unwind, so we checked into our suite and she tried to relax. What Deborah didn't know is that I had arranged for 2 dozen lavender roses to be delivered to the room after we checked in. She kept trying to get me to leave so she could relax, but I kept stalling and hanging around. Finally the roses were delivered, and the arrangement was beautiful, but huge. Deborah took 40 or 50 pictures of the roses with the vase in numerous positions throughout the suite.

After I left the room, I played a few slot machines, lost some money, and went searching for a Diet Coke. All the food service establishments in The Venetian have only Pepsi products, and every since Pepsi's now CEO, Indra Nooyi, used her middle finger to describe the United States, I will not drink Pepsi products. Period.

So I left the Venetian looking for Diet Coke. Las Vegas in September is still hot, as in 103°F hot, with sun light trying to burn a hole through everyone and everything. I took off walking down the strip being constantly approached by card flickers advertising the "best adult entertainment" and "girls delivered straight to me." I just wanted a Diet Coke, and I definitely didn't want some naked ho delivering it to me, so I kept walking.

I've been to Las Vegas maybe 20 or 25 times over the years, and I've never seen Elvis. During my quest for a Diet Coke, I saw Elvis walking down the strip. Sweating. In a Spandex jump suit, which was also soaked in sweat. Way way too much of his physique was recognizable. Waayy toooo much.

Ya think dressing as Elvis in Las Vegas gets a guy laid?

Anyway, in the middle of the Strip, I found a McDonalds, which I despise, but I knew they would have Diet Coke, so I went in and ordered an extra large cup. I'm sitting at a table drinking my Diet Coke and realize that I'm surrounded by guys and girls in hot pants and 6 inch heels. They weren't bothering me. It's just that they seemed to be everywhere.

I'm sure they're writing on their blog about a sweaty tourist from Kansas or somewhere drinking Diet Coke from the fountain and staring at them in a McDonalds. That would be me.

Our first night was very relaxed. We ordered in-room dining and went to sleep in separate rooms with the sounds of the Mirage's volcano erupting every so often. I know, almost too exciting.

The next day we woke late and took a walk over to Wynn's Las Vegas. It was there that Deborah found the unlocked Ferrari and got in. I'm the one that asked her to show me a boob for one of the pictures. After revealing her boob, people started walking toward the Ferrari for some reason. On group said, "I didn't know we could sit in the Ferrari," and I replied, "Neither did we." Before we could haul ass, a line of people was forming to sit in the Ferrari and flash their boobs. Ok, maybe they just wanted to sit in the Ferrari. I'm sure the owner was none too pleased to come outside later and find people sitting in his Ferrari with gum stuck under the seat, spilled vodka on the console, and an interior that wreaked of beer and sweat.

Later that night, we attended our first show, which was The Phantom at The Venetian.

Both Deborah and I had seen The Phantom of the Opera before we met one another. I saw the show in about 1998 in Denver, and I thought it was wonderful. Unfortunately, the person I attended Phantom with in 1998 was a psycho bitch. My big boss had invited us to attend Phantom with he and his wife along with some very important customers. My ex turned up the psycho to max, and we were never invited anywhere with my bosses or customers again. Needless to say, I gave up any hope of climbing the corporate ladder that night.

When the movie version of The Phantom of the Opera was released, I also watched it with the boys over and over. I'm a sucker for chick flicks and romance.

Prior to leaving for Las Vegas, I had gone way over budget on some fancy clothes for me while Deborah spent a fraction of what I did, but bought some amazing clothes. On the night of The Phantom when Deborah put on her dress, she looked so beautiful. She was absolutely stunning. We went down the elevator with everyone sneaking peeks of her.

The Venetian photographer snapped our photo (for only $45) as we entered the theater. We both thought that it was the best picture we had ever taken together. Considering the seats that we had purchased, I thought beforehand that we would be seated next to similarly dressed theater goers. Not so. We had a row of chubby women in shorts behind us eating drumsticks and cotton candy. The audience was an interesting mix of fashionably dressed couples and tourists right off the strip. I didn't expect that.

After the show, which was fantastic, we had reservations at AquaKnox, which is in the Venetian. I selected a surf-n-turf off-menu special, which I have since learned is the number one selling item at AquaKnox. It is a filet mignon and crab-stuffed lobster, and the link will take you to the recipe, but I highly recommend letting the chefs at AquaKnox prepare it for you. Deborah and I also shared a bottle of 2009 Jordan Chardonnay. If you find yourself traveling to Las Vegas, I highly recommend AquaKnox and Jordan Chardonnay.

As we were leaving AquaKnox, Deborah and I decided to play some craps. Deborah's not really a gambler, so I should have written that I decided to play some craps with Deborah standing next to me. So we start playing, and we're staying basically even--a hundred up, then a hundred down. As we keep playing, the table gets a little hotter and we start winning. Of course, Deborah is still looking beautiful in her dress and all the men at the table are sneaking long wishful glances at her. I was eating it up. After a while, an elderly gentleman squeezes into the table next to her. He never placed a single bet, but he damn sure tried to burn a whole through her dress to see those perfect boobs. The dude was practically drooling--it's possible he did actually drool, but I didn't see it.

The dice come around to Deborah, and everyone wants her to roll. So we put down bets for both of us, and she starts rolling. Since she had never rolled craps dice before, Deborah didn't necessarily know all the do's and don'ts, and she mistakenly reached down to grab the dice with both hands. Big no no. Everyone yells, "one hand!" So she grabs with one hand, throws the dice, one goes off the table, across the aisle, and hits a scantily-clad waitress in the butt. "Sorry. Same dice!" She got the hang of it really fast, and won us some money. When we walked away from the table, we had won $300, which doesn't make us high rollers, but it was a lot of fun.

After getting back to the room, Deborah crawled in bed and watched Whitney Cummings on Comedy Central. I've never heard Deborah laugh like that before. As we retired to our separate rooms, we both realized that it had been an amazing night. A stupendous celebration of our 1st anniversary.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Notable Quotes

While reading last week, I came across a couple of quotes that I thought were note worthy. The first is attributed to Charles Newcomb, section manager for wind and water at the National Renewable Energy Laboratory, and was published in the Boulder Daily Camera.

If you're going to invest millions of dollars in a (wind) turbine, it's not a great idea to put it in a location where there is no wind.
It seems that the people of Superior, Colorado have funded a wind turbine and the only remaining question is where to put it. They could put it near town where the townspeople can look at the wind turbine and feel good about themselves, except that there is no wind and the turbine won't generate electricity. Conversely, they could put it out on the eastern Colorado plains where they can't see it everyday, but there's lots of wind for the turbine to actually generate electricity. An epic dilemma for the little green people of Superior.

The second quote is attributed to Lauren Fleshman, 2012 5000m Olympic hopeful, and published in Runner's World (November 2011).
I cherish my days off. Every seven to 10 days, I sit on my butt and do nothing. I try to sync time off with my triathlete husband so we can blob-ify ourselves by watching movies and eating too much.
Now that's a training plan that I could sink me teeth into.

Monday, September 26, 2011

1st Anniversary Celebration--Part I: The Invitation

I wanted to surprise Deborah, so after planning...

and planning...

changing plans...

and planning some more, I created the following brochure. Keep in mind that Deborah does not know the destination. She only knows that we will be flying about 2 hours.

This was the cover with a West Coast kind of romantic beach-front misdirection hint. 

Page 1 with more misdirection, but introducing the theme--"Special, Surprising, and Even Stupendous."

Page 2 with more West Coast misdirection, but suggesting that "Where the water is warm would be Special." 

Page 3 with different types of food and running into celebrities would also be "Surprising." 

Page 4 starts making it "Stupendous" by suggesting a show with semi-nude dancers--NOW I got her attention.

Page 5 continues the misdirection and making it "Stupendous" by including a "Bachelorette" Phantom tease.

Page 6 continues the misdirection, but tells Deborah that we will be going out with "classy" types, so we needed new clothes to fit in.

Finally, Page 7 simply listed a general itinerary and suggested packing list.

From the brochure, Deborah was supposed to have an idea of our "Special, Surprising, and Even Stupendous," 1st Anniversary Celebration, but unless she could unravel the clues, she still wouldn't know where we were going.

Two days later, I decided it was unfair to not tell her our detailed plans, so I updated the brochure as follows.

 This was the cover with a West Coast kind of romantic beach-front misdirection hint, but "Updated."

Page 1 was my one and only subtle reminder that, "we have to go now," during the entire trip.

Page 2 was to let Deborah know that we would not be getting a rental car. My Ferrari rental car blog post exaggerated the rental, but not everything else.

Page 3 was to let Deborah know that we would be staying in a suite at the Venetian. More importantly, she had a bedroom to herself with doors so that my obnoxious seismiscity-inducing snoring would not keep her awake.

Page 4 was to let Deborah know that the Phantom would be the "Phantom of the Opera" at the Venetian.

Page 5 informed Deborah that no 1st Anniversary Celebration would not be complete without some erotica...
so we would be attending Cirque du Soleil's "Zumanity."

Page 6 let Deborah know that relaxation was designed into the Celebration with no go-go-go pressure.

Finally, all good things must end, so Page 7 contained our return reservations.

So that was the introduction I prepared for Deborah to our 1st Anniversary Celebration. Of course, it was still up to me to make all this stuff happen once the departure date approached, but I was reasonably certain that I had covered all the details.

In the next part, I'll begin describing some of the details. To Be Continued -- Part II: The Phantom Yo Eleven.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It's ON

For at least 4 years, I have had a goal to run a marathon at 50 years old. On May 14, 2010, I reached the half century mark. To test my ability and fortitude, I completed the Estes Park half marathon this past June. Finishing at Estes Park convinced me that I can complete a marathon again. So...

I registered for the Colorado Marathon to be run on May 6, 2012, which means that I'll still be 50 years old and can complete my goal just shy of my 51st birthday. One thing I know is that it's easy to register for races, but much harder to train smart and injury free in preparation for the race. Not to mention how hard it is to finish the race itself.

In 2007, I ran my 1st marathon--The Steamboat Marathon--ugh. Compare a picture from the 2007 Steamboat Marathon with a 2011 Estes Park half marathon picture. Notice anything different?

No, not the facial hair. It's the extra 30 lbs of Blue Bell--amongst other foodstuffs--that I'm carrying. That has to go. I can't run another marathon at 260 lbs.

I also still have this crazy dream that I can break 4 hours in a marathon--my PR is 4:16:23--but the only way to break 4 hours is to be as light as possible and healthy. That means carefully watching my diet over the next 8 months while cautiously increasing mileage. I'm thinking I might need a coach this time to help me get it right, and I'm open to coaching recommendations.

Finally, there's another reason for minimizing me. Deborah and I have a very short window of time where we both will be 50 years old, and we have committed ourselves to a fine art nude-at-50 photo shoot. My goals are, first and foremost, to be handsome and toned for Deborah, and second, to not test the slimming limits of Photoshop.

photo by se.nsuo.usvia PhotoRee

I've been a fan of nude art for quite some time, and in the back of my mind, I've wanted the chance to "model" for something artistic. It never would have been possible without Deborah. Deborah is not just accommodating me, but is truly enthusiastic about the photo shoot. It is yet another reason why I love her.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Problem With The Rental Car

As part of our anniversary celebration, Deborah and I flew to Las Vegas to see "Phantom" and "Zumanity". Instead of a limo, we arranged for a rental car, and upon arrival we we received a complimentary upgrade from a Kia to a Ferrari. Go figure.

It was all fine and good except that I didn't fit in the Ferrari and every time Deborah got in, her boobs would fall out. It was the damnedest thing.

Anyway, after exposing more of Deborah than "The Crazy Girls" to Asian tourists and some fat guy wearing a Cornhusker shirt, we left the Ferrari in front of Wynn's for other people to gawk at and told the car rental place to come get it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A B Day

Anniversary and Birth Day - A B Day

Mr. David P and Mrs. Deborah A Craig are celebrating their first anniversary this weekend. They will be competing at a powerlifting competition and running a marathon eating amazing food, sleeping late, and trying some naked stuff that kids can't imagine their parents doing.

Silly kids.

Justin and Jarrod had their 9th birthday. Yea! Justin got to drive go-carts at Unser Racing,...

Justin also got to wreck go-carts at Unser Racing...

He's obviously learned "the wall came out of nowhere" expression. I think he's flipping off the "dumb" barricades. Jarrod isn't as big a racing fan, so he ate chocolate.

Lots of stuff happening, but I'll leave it until the anniversary celebration is over.

In other words, I'm saving all my wit and energy for Deborah.

Silly silly kids. 

Friday, September 2, 2011


How competitive is Deborah?

Last night we were reading my report from my colonoscopy, and the reported concluded with "...The quality of the bowel preparation was excellent." In other words I got an A+ on my test. Deborah's report said something to the effect of "...The quality of the bowel preparation was moderate," which I think means she got a B on her test.

If I told her once, I've told her a thousand times that eating all those healthy fruits and vegetables was going to bite her some day. In this case, all that healthy fiber was clinging to her colon, and it didn't get flushed out.

On the other hand, with my steady diet of Taco Bell bean burritos and 7-11 hot dogs, my ol colon cleaned right up.

Deborah demanded a rematch, so in 10 years we're having another Bowel Preparation Flush Off to see who can cleanse their colon the best. Meanwhile, I get to bask in the glory of my "win" for a decade.

On another note...

The report also stated, "...The patient tolerated the procedure well."

Is that some kind of jab, like are they saying I liked it? I would have rather the doctor wrote, "The patient, while sedated, was visibly upset and fought bravely with staff as the 5 foot long endoscope was shoved up his ass."

Thursday, September 1, 2011

His & Hers

Our 1st wedding anniversary is rapidly approaching, and the celebrating has already begun. As I've noted before, I'm 50 and Deborah is a very young XX (a number less than 50), so based on our doctor's recommendations, we scheduled his and hers colonoscopies. Now there's love.

Deborah went first about a month ago, and I helped her through it as best as I could. I went for my colonoscopy yesterday. Now for those that don't know, a colonoscopy uses an endoscope to go into the colon and look for polyps or tumors or something other than healthy tissue. In order to do that, the colon must be clear of...well...whatever normally occupies the colon. Think about it.

To cleanse the digestive system, the patient goes on a liquid diet for 24 hours or so, and the doctor prescribes a little more than a gallon of laxative. Deborah's a petite girl, and when she comes out of the bathroom exclaiming, "I can't believe that came out of me," I immediately started to worry. Because I'm anything but petite, and what's in me could be as big as Deborah--not what's in her, but equal to the size of her.

So anyway, Deborah makes it through the most invasive of procedures, and it's now my turn. So I get my prescription and go to the pharmacy. I know our pharmacist because her daughter goes to school with Lexie. You know, pharmacists know it all. Even more so than doctors. "Hello, Mr. Craig, how's the high blood pressure, congestion, acid reflux, depression, chronic pain, herpes simplex 1, erectile dysfunction, and oh, I see that now you need to flush your colon. Colonoscopy?" Nothing is truly private.

Deborah had told me that I would need to spend several hours in the bathroom, so while I was picking up the gallon of laxative, I decided to pick up a package of toilet paper. Deborah knows that I will buy anything and not blink an eye. You need tampons, I'm you're guy. Feminine hygiene, family planning, or sex toys, I'll stand in a long line at Wal-Mart and ask people's opinion of what I'm buying. It's no big deal.

But I'm standing at the pharmacy debating on whether to buy toilet paper with my prescription for CoLyte at the same time from a pharmacist that I know. Eventually, I decided what the hell, and I went to the counter with a package of Charmin Ultra Soft. After ringing up the CoLyte and the Charmin Ultra Soft, the last thing she said to me was, "Don't worry. You won't use all this toilet paper." I know it is hard, but couldn't the pharmacist have pretended that she didn't know what CoLyte was for. Anyway, I looked down at the floor, paid the pharmacist, and tried to walk out of the pharmacy like there was nothing in my colon and this CoLyte stuff was really a big misunderstanding.

After cleansing, and as I'm waiting in the endoscopy room, I'm looking around at the instruments. The nurse had laid out everything for the doctor and I saw about 1/2 a tube of "personal lubricant" squeezed out onto a piece of gauze. Ugh. Okay. Then I looked at the endoscope. The scope had lines marked on it that I concluded represented 10 cm segments, which is about 4 inches. So then I started counting the number of segments, 1, 2, 3, 4, ... holy sh*t...there's like 15 segments. I'm calculating in my head as I'm lying there with IV fluids running, oxygen flowing, and waiting for the sedation to hit. That's like 5 feet of endoscope and a 1/2 pound of lubricant all for me.

During one of my inquisitive moments, I saw a guy on the Internet impale himself with a 3 foot dildo. At the time, I thought no way. No. Way. Now I'm lying on a table looking at 5 feet of endoscope about to go in me. And my only thought was I hope they aren't videoing this. DrBubba's butt may have been on the Internet, but DrBubba's butt with 5 feet of snake inserted doesn't belong on this blog, YouTube, or America's Funniest Videos.

About that time, the nurse asked if I could feel the sedative working, and I said, "yeaazzzzzz...." When I woke up, it was over, and they said I passed.

What makes a doctor specialize in colonoscopy or endoscopy? Do you think they become immune to looking at people's butts. Cause if I had my choice, I would have loved to be the doctor probing Deborah versus the poor dude that had to look at my big ass. I wonder if they go home and tell the wife, "I did three 3's today, a 5, and one 9-1/2. Whoa!"

His and her colonoscopies? Maybe not the 1st wedding anniversary gift on everybody's list, but if it means decades of more wedding anniversaries with Deborah, it was worth every embarrassing second, that is, as long as it's not on YouTube.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Craig's Square Life-Wheels

A bicycle on square wheels--on the correct surface, it's a perfectly smooth ride. (Note: It's Dr. Stan Wagon, Professor of Mathematics at Macalester College, on his bicycle.)

I'm thinking that my life is a bicycle with square wheels, but the riding surface isn't quite right.

The kids are happy, but the parents...not so much. And I don't know how to change it. One thing I know is that love is tough. Saying "I love you" isn't enough. Blogging about love isn't enough. Roses aren't enough. Taking care of kids isn't enough. Since I know what I've been doing for my love, I'm learning that it takes more.

More of what is the problem, that is, I can't seem to figure out the what.

None of what I've written makes much sense, does it?

Kinda the way I feel too.

This week was the first week of school, so the kids are now in only 2 schools--elementary and high school. It makes delivering kids to and from school much easier. Everyone seems to be happy with school so far.

I found a bunch of pictures from 2007 yesterday while I was looking for an old computer program that I'd written. Many were of Deborah and I when we first started dating, and I got to admit that I was smiling and laughing quite a bit looking through the pictures. It was before the fan got hit with sh*t though.

A little know bit of trivia. My name is David Paul Craig, and the names of the last three guys Deborah dated were Craig, Paul, and David. No reason for including that in the blog except that I remembered it yesterday and I thought it was cool.

I can't wait until it snows. I want to run in 3 or 4 inches of fresh snow and hear it crunch under my big shoes.

In the meantime, here's to a great week for all and a catenary surface for us.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Horse-Fly-Sized Ass

I still need to run a marathon before May 14, 2012, to achieve my marathon-at-50 goal.

I wanted a special marathon--a marathon so spectacular that it would be worthy of marathon-at-50 pain.

Initially I was thinking about the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Marathon that runs at night in December down the Las Vegas strip. That sounded fun...except for being surrounded by 30,000 other runners.

Then I thought about the Big Sur Marathon in California. For 3 weeks, I've been going to their website thinking about signing up for the race. I even talked to Deborah about it, but I just couldn't pull the trigger. I saw the race registration at 50% sold, 75% sold, 84% sold, and finally sold out. I think it was "California" that kept me from signing up for the race--not a big fan of the left coast.

So now I'm thinking about the Colorado Marathon on May 6 in Fort Collins. But, I'm still thinking and open to suggestions.

Fly Paper
I got tired of swatting flies while out on the porch swing, so I hung some fly paper. Deborah asked, "what is on fly paper?" I explained in my typical technical fashion that scientists had extracted female fly aromas that cause a sexual response in the male fly. The male is excited and lands on the fly paper. At that point he's stuck and dies.

Deborah said, "I've lived all my life and didn't know that."

Leather and Lace Or Acid and Ecstasy

Deborah and I attended the Stevie Nicks on August 9, 2011, at Red Rocks in Morrison, Colorado. It was a very good show, and since it was the first show on the new tour, Stevie's audience interaction was unrehearsed and spontaneous, which made us feel like we were out in her backyard...along with 9,000 of her closest friends.
We were sitting on row 5 towards stage right, and for most of the night, in front of Waddy Wachtel, Stevie's guitar player and music director. I kept waving and winking at Stevie, but I think because of the 9,000 other people, she was trying to ignore me. She did a good job.

But, at the end of the show after Edge of Seventeen, Waddy threw his guitar pick to Deborah, which I was able to retrieve from the Red Rocks concrete aisle. The pick is imprinted with "Waddy Wachtel - Stay 200 hundred feet back." I threw his room key back.

It was a typical concert experience at Red Rocks. You know, the climb up a mountain from South parking area BFE. Where are those damn Sherpas when we need them? Not to mention a cat fight between two drunk, high 20ish chicks on row 6 behind us. Who the hell gets drunk and fights at a Stevie Nicks concert for god's sake? Seriously. And of course, out of 9,000 people, we end up sitting next to the 50ish 6 foot tall single chick that wouldn't keep her hands off me. She kept grabbing my arm and screaming, "Oh my god! Oh my god!" I was beginning to think she had Katherine Heigl's vibrating panties, and at one point I leaned over to Deborah and said, "help me."

The picture is an accurate representation of this chick's brain. We were trying to figure out what she had swallowed. As Stevie sang Leather and Lace, I told Deborah that I thought it was acid and ecstasy. Sure enough I get home and Google "ecstasy" and it says, "Users say they experience feelings of closeness with others and a desire to touch others." Uh huh, yeah. Towards the end of the night, she looked like she was coming down, and her boyfriend embarrassingly walked her past us on the way out. We're betting he didn't hear "Oh my god" again that night.

And, bitch, those were some ugly glasses. (Paraphrased from Deborah's comments)

As we always do, Deborah and I had a great time together. It's always fun to be with the one you love whether in line at the DMV or sitting up front at a concert.

Fly Paper Con't.
Later after a few chuckles, I admitted to Deborah that I made up the part about extracting female fly aromas that cause a sexual response in the male fly. It must be a bitch living with me--hehe.

Of course Deborah has since let it be known that my horse-fly-sized ass will not be attracted or sticking to her aroma anytime in the immediate future either. Damn.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Get Some...Air

So Deborah and I went last Sunday to pick up Miranda at Elitch Gardens theme park. It was about 3:00 pm and very HOT. As we walked, Deborah noticed a pair of panties on the sidewalk. First, I must clarify that they weren't Deborah's panties. I mean, Deborah's shirts have less material than those panties, and besides, Deborah wouldn't be caught dead in granny panties, that is, she'll live and die someday either au naturel or in a thong. If she found herself in granny panties buried for all eternity, she'd tunnel over to my grave and kick my big ass.


It was so hot...

"How hot was it?"

It was so hot that granny stripped off her drawers and headed for the water slide at Elitch's.

Think about that the next time ya go squealing down a water slide---weeeeeeeeee. Ewwwwww. Thank god for chlorine.

Monday, July 25, 2011

My Love, Odds 'N' Ends, And Kahunas

My Beautiful Love of My Life
Look at that picture. Isn't she amazing? I can't tell you how old she is because if I did some doctor would have to reattach my kahunas, but isn't she beautiful? It's driving me nuts to tell you, so I'll write it in code. The love of my life, my wife Deborah, is


You would never know it looking at the picture would you. Another reason why I love Deborah.

(Anyone knowing the factorial of zero and finding my kahunas, please comment or send me an email so that I can have them reattached.)

Odds 'N' Ends

I sent a picture of Justin, Jarrod, and Lexie standing in Front of Bob Tasca's fuel funny car on Saturday to Deborah. I explained that we had to get a tire repaired, and the dealership just happened to have the funny car on display. Of course, Deborah knows me better than that and realized that I knew the car would be there, but I had to think of a reason to go see it. So Deborah replied by text that while looking for a plunger and toilet bowl cleaner at Jared's, she would send me pictures of herself with diamond anniversary rings.

Last Sunday, Lexie said she wanted to work out, so she grabbed some weights, some Powerade Zero, and her tutu and headed out to the sidewalk in front of the house. It was an impressive workout with dumbbell pumping while doing the splits.

Since Deborah was a competitive powerlifter, I asked Deborah to demonstrate proper splits technique while nude and pumping iron...


anyone finding the rest of my kahunas around the neighborhood, please comment or email.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Joplin, Missouri

Miranda (left) and her friend Rayne left for Joplin, Missouri at 6:00 am this morning. They are traveling with Thorncreek Church and volunteering to help those in Joplin that were devastated by the F5 tornado on May 22, 2011. The church has done an incredible job collecting furniture for the people of Joplin. American Furniture donated a tractor-trailer to haul furniture to Joplin, and the people in the Thorncreek community filled the trailer with slightly used furniture and appliances. When I dropped off our contribution yesterday, I was amazed. Amazed(!) at how much furniture had been collected.

This is Thorncreek Church members 2nd trip to Joplin to volunteer, and I strongly encourage readers to go to the Thorncreek Church website and watch the "Joplin Disaster Relief" video. Miranda, Deborah's daughter and my step-daughter, has been a regular attendee of Thorncreek's 320 Student Ministry high school meetings, and Miranda wanted very badly to go to Joplin. Since Miranda had never been away from her mom on a trip, it was hard for Deborah to see her go, but go she did.

I remembered back to my high school days and all the trips that I went on with Young Life and other north Texas church groups. The difference between mine and Miranda's trip is that all of my trips were about me--we went skiing every year and we went to summer camps to play--but Miranda's trip is different. As pastor Ruben Villarreal commented before they left for Joplin, "this trip is not about 'me.' Put 'me' aside."

As I stood watching the "kids" load up into the vans, it made me proud. Proud that Miranda, Rayne, and so many young teens can give up their lives for a week to help others. I agree with Ruben when he said that this trip will be "life changing" for the volunteers. It's already affected me, and I wasn't even going.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Ya Gotta Have Goals

This is probably a better tweet than blog post, but yesterday as Deborah and I were going to shop at Dick's Sporting Goods, Deborah commented, "I want to be voted as having the best ass in the retirement home."

Life Goals -- yet another reason why I love Deborah!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Smart And Water; Mother's Day Promises; No Joy; We With Stevie

It's hot!

Last week, I decided not to do my 6.5 mile run outside because of the heat. Instead, I returned to Life Time Fitness for a long treadmill run the night after my cross-train night. My cross-train night was brutal, and I'm fairly certain that I set my personal sweat record during the stair climb hour.

Since Deborah loves me, and she knew how wasted I was on Tuesday night, she told me to "buy some water and drink while I run on the treadmill."

I bought Smart Water.

I don't know why. As Deborah says, trailer-park water is good enough for her, but I have to buy the "Smart efn Water."

So...while I'm running, and drinking my smart water, I pull my iPhone off the console, it flips in the air, lands on the belt, and shoots to the row of treadmills behind me. There's no way to look cool when that happens. Maybe I needed to drink more Smart Water.

After the run, I head for the showers to get clean and shave my legs. YES, I shave my legs, and I have ever since I tried to get into triathlon. Anyway...I'm in the shower shaving, and all is well. Afterwards I pick up the kids, and on the way home I realized that I had shaved my right leg, but forgot to do the left!

Smart Water anyone?


Deborah's back on her feet again (kinda), and she took her trail bike out for a ride. For Mother's Day she "received" the purple Saris Bones 3 bike rack for the back of the Escape. Actually, it was more of a promise to receive a purple Saris Bones 3 bike rack, but I didn't make that part as clear as it probably needed to be. Fortunately, the bike rack arrived before Father's Day.

Father's Day is the day when I received promises to receive...

Message received load and clear.

Lexie was lying in bed with Deborah and I, and as usual, Deborah and I started kissing and cuddling. When Lexie couldn't get all the attention she desired, she exclaimed, "Cut out all the joy (you two)!"

Deborah loves Stevie Nicks, so...

I've been going to Stevie's website every other day to see when she might be touring. The second tickets went on sale, I was on my iPhone trying to buy tickets through TicketMaster. Here's what I gave Deborah.

Click to enlarge.

We are on Row 5. I told Deborah, "This is so cool. Stevie will be able to see us."