Sunday, November 27, 2011

Turkey Day With A Trot

My coach said he needed a hard 5k time, and I decided that I wanted to break 30 minutes in the 5k. But, my coach also said I could run a 28 minute 5k. Well coach, I ran hard, and I achieved my goal, that is, I ran the Anthem Turkey Day 5k in 29:44. Yea! It wasn't as fast as he wanted, but achieving my goal was a win for my Colorado Marathon training program.

I finished 13 out of 30 in the 50-59 age group, which for me is pretty good; however, I was outrun by a 7-, 8-, and three 10 year old boys; four men over 60, and a 70 year old man. Clearly, I still have a lot of work to do.

My wife, best supporter, and Turkey Day boob flasher, Deborah, was with me at the trot taking pictures. She was up on a small atoll with a view of the start and finish. At the start, I was waving to her so she could pick me out of the crowd of 9 minute milers, but something in the grass caught Deborah's attention and she was looking down. So, no start pictures, which is really a good thing because I didn't have to suck in my gut at the start and finish.

As I made the final turn, Deborah was on me and started snapping pictures. Normally, finishing a race would have earned a boob flash, but Deborah was dressed in about 16 layers, and it was impossible to unleash the perky girls in such a short period of time. Not to mention we didn't want to get arrested before preparing the feast for the kids.

We talked about it afterwards and decided for future winter races, we should create undergarments with boob so
Deborah will simply have to open her outerwear to flash me the victory sign. I know this may sound juvenile, but really guys, are you motivated by a finishers medal or perfect breasts. I got medals, and they're nice, but I'll never see enough of my wife's boobs. On my deathbed, with my last gasp of air, I hope I ask Deborah if I can see her boobs just one more time. But I digress...

After the trot, we had a wonderful pre-prepared turkey dinner that I purchased. It's not that I'm too lazy to cook, it's just that our oven electronics burnt up for the second time. It cost $1500 to fix it the first time, and I'm not paying for a third set of electronics with a design flaw. We've managed to get by without the oven by using the heck out of our microwave, which is Whirlpool's equivalent of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven. Anyway, without an oven and since it takes 6 years to cook a turkey in the Whirlpool Easy Bake Oven, we purchased our dinner this year.

By the end of the day, Deborah and I had attended and run a 5k race. We applauded a 5 year old girl that finished the 5k in about 36 minutes, and we applauded an 81 year old woman that finished in 39 minutes. We bought about 300 meals for Americans going hungry, and we thanked God for our family and the life we've earned. Thursday, 24 NOV 2011, was truly a happy thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Balls and Turkey Trot


It's the new 'word' around the house.

"Did you see the balls on that table?"

"That sucks balls."

"And his ball-handling skills are excellent."

'Balls' started with our 15 year old sophomore, Miranda, and now she and Deborah giggle nonstop about 'ball' this or 'ball' that. It's hard not to chuckle because they are laughing.

Deborah recently told me that she wanted a medicine ball to help with her ab workouts. I said that we would go to Dick's Sporting Goods to get one, and, of course, she replied, "I would like to feel Dick's balls before I buy them."

After buying them, I told her she would have to carry the "ball-sack."

When we got home, Deborah asked Miranda, "Would you like to see Dick's balls?"


It's Turkey Trot time again. As noted last year, I've completed personal turkey trots each of the last 5 years, so this year marks my 6th year trotting before putting on the feed bag.

However, this year is different. My coach wants a competitive timed 5k trot, so I registered for the Anthem Turkey Day 5k - 10k. I said I wanted to break 30 minutes, and he said I could run 28 minutes. I told him I don't know how to run a 5k. He said warm up a little and start running.

I'm more nervous about the 5k than I was for the Estes Park 1/2 this past summer. So nervous that I was just going to sneak out Thanksgiving morning and run a race before anyone knew I was gone. Deborah said, "No way. I want to see you run. It's been a long time since I've seen you run a race."

So, I relented, and Deborah is going with me.

"Besides," Deborah added, "I'd rather watch you run than watch the boys play with their balls while you are out having fun."

Miranda chimed in, "Now that it's getting colder, the boys have squishy balls? Can you make their balls harder?"

And Lexie concluded, "Sure. DB can fix balls. He can fix anything."

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mom's A BADASS, Mom's Little Girl, and An IMPORTANT Message

Yesterday, I did my normal Tuesday base run, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. After the run, I went over to sit with Deborah while she deadlifted. When I get over to the deadlift platform, she has 185 lbs on the bar, which she easily deadlifts twice. So she says, "I've been feeling really strong. I should try to do 200 lbs. So that's 5 lbs and 2-1/2 lbs plates added to each side, right?"

I agreed, and we bumped the bar up to 200 lbs. After telling me not to look at her--she's afraid I'll make her laugh or pee or something--she moves me to a viewing spot out of the way. Deborah then wraps her lifting-straps around the bar and smoothly dead-lifts 200 lbs.

Holy Shizzzz!

How many other petite less-than-50-but-close year olds can dead-lift 200 lbs. Not very damn many is the answer.

If they're in the gym at all, they're thinking of 10, 2, and 4 chocolate bon-bons while gliding on an elliptical for 6 minutes before walking around the gym twice to look at the other weird machines and free weights, which they avoid like the plague because in the words of Fred Stoller (I think), "I tried lifting weights, but they're sooo heavy."

It's no wonder all the gym rats stare at Deborah while she's working out. It's rare to see girls lifting,  rarer still to see girls lifting well, and rarest of all to see a built beautiful babe lifting more than the

It's either that or her perky nipples.

Lexie is in 1st grade.

She reads like at least a 3rd grader.

Deborah is studying for the GRE so that she can enter a Masters degree program.

So...last night, Lexie picks up Deborah's review words and starts reading them,





Deborah and I were looking at each other like WTF?
She's in 1st grade.

After more words, Lexie says, "I could quit school and take the test for you mommy."


The masses at Penn State protested to save Joe Paterno. A single family protested at Penn State to save victims. Think about it.

Friday, November 4, 2011


So I went to Dick's Sporting Goods the other day and saw this...

My first thought was I want one, but then the sales guy saw me taking a picture and said that they were taking inventory. I looked up and said, "Ok, two boobs and no head. Just thought I'd help."


Deborah came into my office after a very trying week with the men in her life and said, "boys must be stupid(!) until..." At this point she looked me in the eyes, realized what she was saying, and added, "...well...until...I don't know when."

I got the feeling by the gist of the conversation that she included all males at least 50 and under.


Did I mention I'm running the Colorado Marathon next spring? I'll be 50.